This week is National Infertility Awareness Week. I wanted to take some time to provide readers with what should and should not be said to people experiencing infertility and early pregnancy loss.
Don’t say this…
“Just relax”
“It will happen when you least expect it”
“Just adopt”
“Have you thought of a surrogate?”
“Are you going to try again?” (right after a miscarriage)
“It could be worse”
“Do you want my uterus?” or “Do you want my ovaries?”
"If I ever get knocked up, you can have it"
"At least you know you can get pregnant" (after miscarriage)
“At least you miscarried early in the pregnancy”
“Do you want to have my husband’s/boyfriend’s sperm?”
“You can just have my kids” or “you sure you want one of these?”
“I knew a person who tried for ______ years and they tried A, B, and C and it worked”
“Maybe it’s time to move on”
“Maybe it’s not part of God’s plan and plenty of people have good lives without kids”
“Everything happens for a reason”
You know what is wild about these statements? I have heard almost all of them. Do I believe that friends and family meant any harm? NO! I think that they didn’t know what to say or they tried to offer comfort, advice, or comedy in a lousy situation.
Regarding the comments on that list that I haven’t personally heard, they were said to other women that I have gotten to know through support groups. It seems pretty wild when you see it on paper, doesn’t it? It’s not that all of these statements are false, they can just really hurt.
Additionally, I want to make known is that when a person experiences infertility and has “experience” with the system, they 100% know what the options are (i.e. adoption, egg donation, embryo adoption, surrogacy, etc.). When suggesting these things, keep in mind that when people turn to these methods, they have lost one battle and are going to fight an entirely new one. It can be a very sensitive and emotional subject for some. If a person decides to go in any of these directions, they will do so on their own terms and share their decision if and when they are comfortable.
Lastly, remember that just because someone who suffers from infertility makes a comment about their current situation does not necessarily mean they are seeking advice. Maybe clarify and ask them if they are looking for your opinion or just a sounding board.
Say this…
“I’m sorry”
“What can I do?”
“That sucks, I am here for you”
“I’m here when you’re ready to talk”
“I can’t imagine what you’re going through” “Let’s do something to take your mind off of everything that is going on”
“Don’t give up”
"Are you okay?"
"You can do this"
Or…just listen. Often that is the best thing you can do.
Sometimes people don’t want to talk and other times they do. Don’t push or fish for information. Just make yourself available and when your friend or relative is ready to talk. If your loved one is the type that doesn’t want to inconvenience others, provide statements of action such as “I am coming over” or “I will bring you some food”. They can outright decline but a lot of time that is just what the person needs and they are too afraid to ask.
Another suggestion…
If someone you know does not have kids, maybe think twice before saying:
“When are you going to have kids?”
“You better hurry up; you aren’t getting any younger”
I think the majority of us have been guilty of this. A lot of times it is just to make conversation and it’s completely innocent. So why avoid it? Maybe that person IS trying to have kids; trying harder that you or I could ever imagine.
In the end…
I hope that you can use these pointers in the future with the people you care about. Maybe you can make their entire situation a little less painful. I would also like to add that this post is not intended to alienate or scold people, but rather to enlighten.
Just a gentle reminder that 1 in 8 couples experience infertility and 1 in 4 couples experience pregnancy loss. It’s more common than you might realize. Please be kind.
Feel free to share this post with anyone that could benefit from it.
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